Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
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[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
lost dog
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
The booster protects against what, now?
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.