them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
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“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Ugh but profoundly
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.