Punctuation Matters. Period.
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[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.