What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
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My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck