My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
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Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school