I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
You Might Also Like
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.