My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
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Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
respect
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”