If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
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“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂