After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
You Might Also Like
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Best mom ever 😂
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head