It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
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Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
WTF
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…