If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
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Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
How times have changed.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same