I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
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Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I cannot stop laughing at this