This is my brand.
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HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.