British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… đ
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*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
My body is a âwonder what happenedâ land
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Little known fact:
Young childrenâs bones are not the same as an adult. Childrenâs elbows are actually made of knives.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
You never feel shorter than when youâre standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and youâre using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Accidentally told the dog sheâs my favorite in front of my kids again
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain weâll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that youâre looking at whatâs right next to you and be all like âwow these are some nice bacon bitsâ
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe youâre doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Wow. Just found out that in England theyâre called âAlvin and the Crispmunksâ.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
me hitting on a model
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.