a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
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Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.