me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
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Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Cashiers are always checking me out
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!