After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
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If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨