Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
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I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Good morning!
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here