My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
You Might Also Like
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
bro what is going on at twitter
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.