waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
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Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
What a chick magnet..
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.