*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
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*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Well, this certainly took a turn
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.