No time to explain get in the wood chipper
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When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Who wants to be my Valentine?
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.