I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
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“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
The pen is writier than the sword.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.