Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
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Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away