me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
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-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again