[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
You Might Also Like
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
This a good idea
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
I hate my earbuds.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?