Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
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The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track: