I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
You Might Also Like
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.