What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
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Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Pretty much. 🤣
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother