Message from the dog groomers
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[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Mornin
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane