Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
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[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.