I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
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Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.