Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
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Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
🙀🙀🙀😹
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.