Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
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I beg your pardon?
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken