I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
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friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
To clean up or just move. This is the question.