My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
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Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Who says great literature is dead?
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Going into Monday like
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.