11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
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[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
me and the Superbowl rn
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.