‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
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I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade