I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
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WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.