My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
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ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Kids, do not try this at home!
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.