me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
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I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?