Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
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Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.