me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
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I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
don’t be scared
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*