pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
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Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family