Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
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I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner