Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
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This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
True.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
This is me
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.