Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
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Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Generation gap…
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
put ‘er there pardner!
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.