Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
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i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I would move hell over six inches for you
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Super Hand Dog Face
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love