ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
You Might Also Like
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Cinematography is my passion
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders