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This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
adding to the discourse
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you